Dear CO of my overworked & underpaid hubby,
'Sup? This is his neglected, abandoned, and much-abused personal secretary (commonly known as "wife"). I am writing to you today because I think I'm missing something. You see, when you handed me my dependent ID, I think you forgot to give me my allotted super powers. Y'know...the super strength so I can lift a sofa, a hutch, a bed, and various other heavy furniture items by myself since you refuse to give my husband the time to do the job. We're doing the best that we can, but since you keep him for all the daylight hours, it's getting a tad bit hard to move heavy furniture in the dark of the night when it's a lovely 10º out and our fingers are freezing off. I regret to inform you that I was born a normal human being who cannot lift a 200lb hutch by herself. It's a shame that I live with on a daily basis. I cry myself to sleep every night over my pathetically weak genetic makeup.
And I still have not received the clone of myself, which I so desperately need because you refuse to give my husband time to otherwise make arrangements for moving his family cross country with just 6 weeks notice. It probably doesn't help that the housing wait list is 8 months old, and we've had to find either a overpriced closet to rent or buy a house. I really don't appreciate you keeping my husband busy with unimportant tasks like sweeping the floor or watching 8 hour marathons of CSI because he's got nothing to do but you just want him around. It's okay to admit it...you're smitten with him. I am too. I want him around constantly too. It's okay...join the fan club. We have t-shirts, and the hats will be in next week.
Anyway, I digress. You've kept him so "busy" that he doesn't even know the address of our new home. Poor fella doesn't even know the kitchen is red. He wouldn't even recognize the house if it was animated like Frosty the Snowman and then proceeded to uncharacteriscally hit him in the nose.
I'd appreciate it if you could send my missing super powers and clones to my house ASAP. Oh, and if could send a little love note over to personal property, I'll be real grateful. See, if they could have just scheduled a household goods move in time, we wouldn't be in this mess. By the way, just a word of advice - if supporting offices (i.e. personal property, housing...etc.) cannot support short notice orders for a permanent change of duty stations...here's a wacky idea...DON'T GIVE SHORT NOTICE ORDERS.
Thanks so much for your time.
Hugs and kisses,
P.S.: Enjoy the enclosed batch of homemade cookies. Know that I sympathize with the fact that you are a heartless bastard with a heart of stone and no family or other human ties to the pitiful unimportant outside civilian world. So here, have some cookies, and try not to have a heart attack when you finally feel what it is truly like to be human and have someone care.
P.P.S.: i promise i didn't poison them. i promise. taste test them if you don't believe me.